11/14/07 - INDIANA...THE ALABAMA OF THE MIDWEST

Before I begin, I would like to say that I like the people of Indiana...at least some of them. 

This happened about a month ago.  I was playing One-Liners with my friend the Disgruntled Clown.  He is a big 300 pound redneck from South Carolina but we get along great.  Kind of an odd couple thing going on.  We rarely work together, in fact this is the first time I have ever worked a full week with him.  In this particular club he is a big draw & somewhat of a celebrity.  It's kind of cool to see because strangers are walking up to him in town & saying how much they love him & I'm think this is the dude that slept on my couch & calked my bathroom.  Here's the thing if you are making it a point to get tickets everytime a guy in a clown suit & super soaker is in town you are probably not my demographic.  I mean, I'll do my best to entertain you but I don't have a toilet paper gun ready to be fired.  I'm jumping ahead a bit though.

The club is about 12 - 14 hours from my house & our first show is at 7:00 PM.  I leave the night before the gig for the opportunity to sleep in my car in a hotel parking lot.  I need to remember to bring extra blankets because it gets really cold around 3:00 AM.  I continue to drive on show day & I get a call from the Disgruntled Clown (DC).  He tells me that there is a big convention in town for the Future Farmers of America & that the hotel is sold out and that the hotel tried to put us in the same room but he took care of it.  Thank God!  I did not want to share a room with his make-up wearing ass.  I get to the gig & the hotel desk guy tells me that he spoke with the other comic & that we will be sharing a room.  I say hell no!  I'll sleep in a car for a night but a week in a room with a clown...no way.  I call DC.  DC puts me on the phone with the club manager Jason.  Jason reads the hotel the riot act & takes care of it.  I have to say that Jason is one of the best comedy club managers I have ever worked with.  He cares about the show & the talent & actually gets shit done.  This is a bit of a rarity in my field.  Reluctantly the hotel checks me into their last room...a suite.  Big living room, hot tub in the bedroom, used condom rapper on the bed.  Yes you read that right.  Eewww!  And it was Lifestyle condoms too...so not my brand.  Jason again gives the hotel the riot act.  I call the desk as well & ask them to please wash the comforter & change the sheets. 

Later on, we get to the club & it turns out there has been a booking snafu.  They have booked two features.  I booked directly with Jason but the club owner booked with an agency somebody else.  I've had this gig since spring.  Why did they do this?  Because the owner didn't think I was going to make it.  Why?  Do I have terminal cancer?  Was it touch & go?  Anyway, Jason asks me & the other guy to split the time.  Fine.  I don't care.  I'm tired, this is a clusterfuck & the only reason I agreed to this gig is to get looked at to move up to headliner.  Whatever, let's get this over with.  I open with my Korean joke which usually does great for me out of the shoot.  A few chuckles.  Not the response I was looking for but the show was pretty good. 

The other feature does not have a hotel.  They need to put him someplace 20 miles away.  He gets there & there is a bunch of people in front of him.  He gets food & comes back & there is still a bunch of people in front of him.  He gets in his car & goes home never to be heard from again...or at least the rest of the week.

As the week goes on I realize I need to adjust the act.  Less smart stuff & more easy stuff or as I now call it, Dumbing Down & Dicking Up.  The audience seemed to appreciate that & a lot of people really enjoyed the smart stuff I left in there.  Korea had to go but I left some of my other favorites in there.  Oh don't worry I would still throw in the word cock once in awhile to keep certain factions interested.

After one alright show (it was not a homerun but it was ok) an audience member comes up to me & goes tough crowd huh?  I go, "I don't know.  You were in the crowd, how tough do you feel?"  He storms off & tells DC I suck & I'm a dick.  I yell at him I didn't know Indiana had a meth problem.  I just get tired of people saying stupid stuff to me after the show.  If you liked the show great.  If not keep it to yourself.  I know what's going on during my show.  I know the things I need to improve on & the things that are out of my control.  I don't need a drunk going tough crowd huh?  What does he want me to say, "yeah but at least I didn't pay for that horseshit show like you did?"  Does that make him feel better?  I digress. 

A day later we pop into the club early to hang out.  One of the waitresses finds out I'm Jewish & starts looking at me like I'm a freak at the carnival.  I say what gives?  She's like I've never seen a Jew before...only Anne Frank.  I say we've come along way since the time of Anne Frank...they let us out of the attic now.  She says, "what are Jews like?"  I say, "we're just like you, except we bleed green & eat your babies."  I'm a dick.  She was curious.  She meant no harm but it does kind of blow my mind.  Am I the only Jew stupid enough to go to Greenwood, Indiana? Quite possibly.

Later on that day DC & myself go to Sam's Club to buy a thank you cake for the staff.  DC goes to the cake girl, "I'm a Sam's member, make sure I get my discount."  Some older guy with his kid goes, "Look at him trying to Jew them down on a cake."  DC wheels around and goes, "Hey, we're 2 Jews (he's not but I think he considers himself Jewish by proxy which is fine by me) & I'm a redneck Jew & I'll kick your ass.  And (pointing to me) he's a city Jews."  And I said, " And I'll sue your ass."  It was priceless.  To see that dumbass look all embarrassed & shut up was worth everything...well maybe not the used condom rapper but almost everything.

It's just weird to play in such a place where I am a freak show based on my religion instead of the normal reasons.  You know, my personality.

The week was a lot of fun.  We met a lot of nice audience members & Jason & the staff at One-Liners were great.  The manager of the local Taco Bell gave us free food.  I forget him & his wife's name but thank you & it was greatly appreciated. I'm sure anyday now Greenwood, Indiana will catch an epsiode of Seinfeld & I will no longer be such an oddity but for now when you see me walking the streets of Greenwood you can just yell "Hey you're that Jew comic right?  I saw your show.  Tough crowd huh?"  Sigh.

10/17/07 - FATHERHOOD

Well this is my first foray into the blogosphere.  I figured today would be a great day to begin because it is my daughter Skylar's one year birthday.  I think I'll talk about fatherhood.  I'm trying to think how to start & at my side Skylar is playing with our 6 month old cat Flea.  They both have so much energy.  Where do they find it?  If all goes well they will be best buddies well into Skylar's teens.

It is hard for me to believe that a year has gone by.  I mean time really flew.  A year ago at this time I was performing at HA! Comedy Club in NYC 3 or 4 nights a week & getting home at 3:00 AM.  I was really focused on trying to make a dent in the NYC comedy scene.  I was on stage at 1:00 AM when Alissa (my wife) called & told me I needed to get home because she was going into labor.  Of course, she didn't realize she had already been in labor for a day & half.  Now I never go to HA!  I remember it was a very rainy day when she was born.  As I look at my window now it is overcast as well.  Anyway, I remember as Skylar was half way in our world & half way in, shall we say, her old condo I looked at my wife & said, "Wow!  She's here."  I was so excited to meet her.  I must admit, I was very ill equiped to be a Dad.  I had never been around babies.  Never changed a diaper or even held a baby.  I did a good job of holding her that day.  I was able to postpone diaper changing for a good 3 - 4 months.  Of course, now I am a regular provider of clean waste catchers for my daughter. 

Those first few weeks were so hard.  No sleep.  No peace & quiet.  No experience.  I remember our first crisis.  I was coming back from a gig when I got a frantic call from Alissa.  Skylar was having a very hard time breathing.  She was panicked.  I was panicked.  Nobody told us that babies get very congested & that we needed a humidifer & saline drops.  I frantically looked for a pharmacy that was open in the wee hours of the morning.  I found none.  We stayed up with her all night.  I awoke at the wee hours & got to the pharmacy before they opened.  Those were scary hours.  The doctors office told us this was normal & we didn't need to go to the hospital but I was ready to go.  That initial panic in my heart for Sky's well being was new & painful.  I hated it.

I wrote jokes about fatherhood at this time.  It was very dark humor.  At one point I was comparing babies to puppies & I came out on the side of puppies.  Those first weeks I think I was very confused.  This is not what I signed up for.  Actually it is what I signed up for but I just didn't read the fine print.  This was not fun.  This was not rewarding.  This was very hard & very time consuming.  This sucked!  "Excuse me, I'd like to return this.  Do you have something in a five year old?  You know something that I can play with & talk to.  This one is broken.  All's it does is lay there, eat, & poop."  It's not fair, this one is living the life I always dreamed of & she just got here.  Back of the line squooshy face.  I'm hungry & I need a nap.  I'll handle my own diapers, thank you.

Fortunately for all involved Alissa has been a tremendous mother from the start.  She was very patient with both of us.  In those first couple of months I was "Fun Daddy" as my wife would call me.  I would make Sky laugh & play with her.  Then my wife went back to work.  Now it got really hard.  I had to change diapers, administer feedings, run a career, & cook dinner.  Thank goodness for nap time.  Fun daddy dissappeared & now I was primary caregiver (at least from 9 - 7).  I think I did ok with it.  I worked with Skylar on sitting up & tummy time.  I had become an active influence on my daughter's life.

Then I went away for the summer.  Freedom!!! No diapers, no feedings, hell, no wife.  A weird thing happened though.  I missed them...alot.  I mean I'm at the beach & I have all day to play & I can drink at night if I want but I spend the days in my room missing them.  I didn't miss diapers but I missed being in their world.  I missed her first words.  First was dada, then Cat, then mamma.  I think that's the order anyway.  Then I missed her starting to crawl.  I missed her interaction with other kids in daycare.  Some of them were mean & took her toys. That made me mad & depressed.  Sky was dealing with a few bad kids & it was my fault.  If I was home she would be ok.  Plus she wouldn't get all of these nasty colds.  My career was damaging my daughter even more then me raising her.

I came home from the summer & I was back to Mr. Mom.  It was not as hard as I thought it would be.  Don't get me wrong.  At times I am very selfish & I get frustrated.  I can't run out & do what I need to do.  Tasks that I use to get done in a few hours now take a week.  I just don't have the time.  I miss my old life too.  I miss being able to go out with Alissa whenever we wanted.  I don't think I was ever equipped to be a Dad.  I didn't know what I was getting into.  The only thing that saves me is that I have an amazing daughter & wife who are patient with me. 

My life is so different from a year ago.  I have no freedom.  I have a beautiful one year old who I love more then anything.  Yesterday, she took her first steps.  I didn't miss it.  It was just me & her & it was awesome!

Till next time,

Davin

 10/16/07

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